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Jan. 6th, 2009

(no subject)

i have never been this sick in my life. :(
if the throw up / etc doesnt stop I will check into the ER tomorrow.
i have never not been able to keep down ice chips :(

Dec. 1st, 2008

HOOVER IS HERE.













me and the new vacuum....or old (1985 i guess)

Nov. 16th, 2008

Carpet Shark

In the fall of 2008 I was 26 and living in Charlottesville, Virginia. I felt reasonably successful regarding my career. I had a decent job teaching German at the city high school, generously procured for me by my graduate department following my lackluster attempt at a PhD in Germanic Literatures and Languages.
But my experience at the University of Virginia had actually been very good, even if I left early with only a Master’s degree. I had gotten to teach college students for a year and 2 summer sessions. I had read papers at our graduate student conferences and gotten to hobknob with some bright minds in academia. I became a better writer and a better teacher.
None of that was on my mind, however, at eight on a Saturday night when I flipped between “The world’s most horrifying tornados” and other various deluxe cable fare. A sideways glance at the carpet revealed it needed cleaning, but I was out of Swiffer Carpet Flick refills, and an objective loomed large before me. For dutiful automatons like me, there are few things more satisfying than clarifying objectives and achieving them. I drove to the Kmart.
Under the buzzing, yellow halo of florescent lights I suffered a mild setback when I saw that there were no Carpet Flick refills and I would have to return to my efficiency empty handed. In a moment of twisted logic that can only be understood by a bizarre determination to be able to clean, I decided to buy a dustbuster for $20. After all, I reasoned, I have to buy Carpet Flicks every month at about $9, so why not finally make the plunge to an actual household appliance? When I bought the Carpet Flick I was broke and living on 14th Street. I was now paying back loans and still living on 14th Street, but now I had a Master’s degree and a full-time job.
I carried the Carpet Shark to the checkout line with the confidence of an educated girl who knows she is making a step in the right direction. On my way, however, I was derailed by the worst possible type of encounter in the Kmart on a Saturday night. It was my gross misfortune to run into my ex and his beautiful new girlfriend. Her hair was soft and feathered around the temples of her forehead, and she clung to the slim, long sleeves of her shirt as she said hi to me. For his part, he looked too shellshocked to show her off, but nothing was lost on me. I was wearing sweatpants and clutching a Carpet Shark. Was there any doubt he had moved onto bigger and better things?
Three minutes of excruciating embarrassment in aisle 7 were enough to undo 3 years of relative success as a human being. At 26, friends of mine were beginning to get married and settle into happy existences with another life form who loved them and wanted to associate with them for the future. Most days I can accept my role as a sort of tragic misfit who is destined to whimper along all alone, but the night my heart was ripped out in the Kmart, I cried all the way home.

Aug. 20th, 2008

(no subject)

first day of school. 2nd Pony - horrible, 3rd Pony - Fun.

Forgot breakfast....helloooo, three muskateers bar. Augh!

Aug. 6th, 2008

at my parent's house

summer break 2008 in Northern VA
reading kafka
going for walks outside
watching Nancy Grace & Dan Abrams
listening to Cat Stevens

Jul. 25th, 2008

(no subject)

i'm crushed.

Jul. 6th, 2008

i'm a runt

gross night on the left ward, a lot of cleaning up other people's messes. hope i did not do too badly. back at 11p tonight. there are moments when i am not sure i can do it, then i have other times when i think, i love this so much.
needles and blood seem like cakewalks compared to toileting. i would really rather stick someone any day. also, people who complain about changing babies should compare that to changing a geriatric with parkinsons and an oxygen tube. if i were stronger, i would zip through the turning in no time.

Apr. 26th, 2008

i'm going to prom....as a chaperone :(

spray tan = $9.99
pedicure = $30.00
frilly dress from Belk = $21.00

at least i will cute for after prom

Apr. 11th, 2008

CORN

spring break from work means hanging around my parents' house, making half-hearted efforts on the treadmill and watching Court TV until my eyes bug out. 

Apr. 6th, 2008

still within reach of the long arm of Mr. Jefferson's institution

as it turns out, we were all going to the dubai party last night. i don't think i looked enough like a rich tourist, but it was a good after party for jen's bday. spring break has started and i'm so excited, even if it means doing pretty much nothing for the week.

German Day at UVA has come and passed and I am relieved my students didn't completely mortify me in front of old friends and professors. They shared just enough about me at the welcoming ceremony to remind me they are watching me with eagle eyes. martin really went out of his way to help us and we caught up over quesadillas later. brett the threat and lee won over Baja Bean with their rendition of Love Shack.

the days are filled with reading and studying tempered with housework. maybe a long walk in the city tonight while j is at band practice. 

Mar. 30th, 2008

(no subject)

i drank too much tonight at wild wings & when we went dancing at ox hill.
my head hurts!

Mar. 21st, 2008

(no subject)

I miss cup!

Feb. 13th, 2008

another nightmare

This time I was teaching German II.  A terrible lady was in the back behind a glass window. I could see her and knew she was watching me. I was teaching the kids vocab about shopping, and when I said "Metzgerei" the lady's face morphed into ghastly pale skin, two black, black holes where the eyes were and a glowing red triangle on her mouth. Some loud screeching noise only I could hear came from her, but I looked purposefully at her and continued teaching, knowing she was getting angrier.  She came from behind the glass window and dove for me, all the while I was shrieking, "Kaiser! Help me! This woman is hurting me. She's hurting me...." but the old woman looked normal to him and he couldn't see it at all.

Feb. 7th, 2008

very strange dreams

i have been waking up at six-ish every morning this week, mid-nightmare. last night i dreamt j was keeping someone in a coffin with a glass top. a shroud was over the body, but i could see the legs and turned up shoes. i begged him to finally bury it because of the smell. then i was at a party for mike renner, and he was crying.

Jan. 30th, 2008

(no subject)

i love you to pieces, too.

Jan. 4th, 2008

(no subject)

It is difficult to conceive that a historical event as complex as the Protestant Reformation was initiated by a single individual, but this is exactly why Martin Luther is the most influential German who ever lived. His indictment of the corrupt Roman Catholic Church during the 16th century ignited a push felt all across Europe; the demand for reformation within the Church. Luther’s resulting break from the Church spawned the first and one of the largest sects of Protestantism today, the Lutherans.
Luther was born in Saxony in 1483 and became an Augustinian monk who eventually joined the faculty at Wittenberg University. Although he was a popular teacher, Luther was haunted by secret overwhelming sexual desires that would not be stifled. Luther attempted to combat the lust he felt with starving, self-flagellation, and penance, but he experienced no relief.
In 1513, while lecturing on the epistles of St. Paul, Luther had an epiphany that finally freed him from his guilty sexual temptations, and provided the groundwork for Protestantism. A passage he read implied that salvation is acquired “by faith alone”, and Luther realized his attempts to be just through fasting and penance were in vain. “Sola Fide” led to salvation, and he would no longer be plagued by guilt concerning his desires.
By 1517, Luther’s popular teachings of “Sola Fide” energized him, while the increasingly corrupt Roman Catholic Church incensed him. The hawking of papal indulgences near Wittenberg pushed Luther over the edge, and he showed his disgust when he nailed a list of 95 theses challenging the practice to the door of the Wittenberg Church. Additionally, this document contained stinging criticism of the pope’s authority. Luther’s brazen act on October 21, 1517, sparked the birth of the Reformation.
Luther’s attacks on the Church and the pope, Leo X, grew increasingly more radical. When he asserted that the Bible, not the pope, was the ultimate authority, Leo could tolerate him no longer. He demanded that Luther recant, or be burned alive. Over time, the Church realized that burning Luther would ignite countless peasant riots, since his popularity had spread so quickly. He also enjoyed protection from the Augustinian leader, Frederick the Wise.
It is safe to say that these two factors, as well as his mounting financial and political hold on the Church, probably contributed to Luther’s confident refusal to recant in 1518. He would only agree to recant if a church council could prove him wrong, and the papacy considered Luther’s demand for council to be heretical. In 1520, Leo issued an exurge domine, threatening Luther’s excommunication from the Roman Catholic Church if he failed to recant within 60 days. Luther wrote his three most important works during this time, blah blah blah blah blah. Additionally, he very publicly burned a copy of the exurge, symbolizing his break from the Church.
Although the Church had excommunicated Luther, they could not silence his influence. His call for an end to the corruption in the Church prompted the formation of a religion governed by salvation by faith alone, and an acknowledgement of the Bible as the highest church authority. Additionally, Luther scoffed at celibacy as an invention of the papacy, and he married a former nun in 1525. A third contribution following his excommunication was his translation of the Bible into German completed in 1534, which validated Hochdeutsch as the standard for spoken and written German, and made the Word of God accessible to the masses.
Luther’s translation of the Bible into the vernacular had a tremendous impact, but by no means did that give him the monopoly on Protestantism. Henry the VIII established himself as the head of the Church of England in a primarily political maneuver, while Calvinists and Anabaptists elsewhere in Europe practiced Protestantism independent of Luther. His break from the Catholic Church indirectly spawned several variations of Protestantism.
The Reformation may have fundamentally been a religious movement, but its influences seeped into many other areas of European life. Emerging nation-states in Europe, as well as expanding trade and the rise of an assertive middle class validated the Reformation’s political and socioeconomic importance.
Additionally, growing discontent among peasants led to violence in 1525, prompting Luther to denounce the peasants, who pillaged in his name. Scores of peasants were killed to snuff out the rioting, and those who survived felt Luther had betrayed him. Many of these peasants therefore severed ties with Lutheranism and became Baptists.
A decidedly less bloody effect of the Reformation was the rejection of implied inferiority for those called to ordinary, everyday occupations. The Reformation had exposed many clergy as corrupt weasels, and parishioners no longer depended on a priest for the forgiveness of their sins. Salvation by means of grace, not expensive indulgences, enabled many Christians to pursue respected vocations associated with honesty and dignity, like farming.
In addition to respect for honest work, Reformers held housewives and the raising a family in high regard. Luther himself had declared “all men should be married”, and the ensuing elevation of family life shows that most Reformers agreed. Marriage was one out of only two sacraments they still regarded as such, having rejected the Church’s original seven. They also recognized baptism as a sacrament, validating the importance of bringing up children in a religious household.
Naturally, these Reformation values overflowed from everyday life into artistic works of the century. As would be expected, they influenced the literature of the time. For this reason, 16th century German literature can be treated as Reformation literature. Two primary examples of such Reformation literature are Rebhuhn’s play, Susanna, and the 1587 chronicle of Dr. Faustus, Historia von D. Johann Fausten.
Susanna was written in 1535 by Rebhuhn and intended to be read by townspeople. For a drama of relatively low ambition, it is admirably well-structured and written in regular verse. The drama is named for its virtuous protagonist, who is a dutiful housewife and the object of affection of two lecherous judges.
Her role as a chaste, virtuous wife is only one of several elements that attest to the drama’s status as Reformation literature. She is attentive mother to her children, and her love for her husband is second only to her love for her Creator: “Nach unserm Gott, dem Herr’n, ist mir nichts Lieberes auf Erd’ als ihr!” (41) Love and loyalty first to God and then to the husband is consistent with Reformation ideals for women.
Rebhuhn’s depiction of two dirty old judges lusting after the morally flawless Susanna highlights several Reformation teachings. That the dirty old men Resatha and Icaboth are judges and not farmers is significant, since Reformation thought teachers that farming is an honest occupation, and someone with a position of authority, like a clergyman or a judge is more likely to be corrupt.
As unmarried men, the judges are dangerous, and now desire sex insatiably. They plan to ambush Susanna while she bathes outside, and they are confident her husband Joachim will not interfere since he is leaving town for awhile. Resatha implies that they hope to seduce Susanna more than once: “Gott geb’, daB er ein Jahr ausbleib’, wenn wir erringen nur sein Weib!” (43) The judges are hoping to do much more than just steal some kisses. When she will not oblige them, the judges seek revenge by having Susanna charged with adultery.
The virtuous Susanna would rather stand trial for false allegations than give in to the judges. She must have known the strength of the judges’ word against her own, and she calls upon her Savior in this dire moment: “Hilf Gott, wie soll ich das ertrag’n, daB man mir will solch Schand’ nachsag’n?” (69) Susanna’s unwavering faith in God is rewarded, and Susanna is exonerated when the young Daniel suddenly appears at her trial, with a flaw in the judges’ accusation to expose. The two old men tell conflicting accounts of the tree under which they claimed Susanna committed adultery.
The judges are sentenced to death for their lies, and eternal damnation seems certain for the licentious pair, whose crooked, dishonest behavior affected other women in Rebhuhn’s play. However, in the last moments of their lives, both judges call out to their Savior for mercy. Resatha cries, “O Gott, sei gnaedig mir zur Stund’!” (112), while Icaboth is more specific in asking for forgiveness. He acknowledges his previous sinful behavior, but begs for forgiveness: “O Gott, sieh’ nicht die Suenden an, die ich von jung auf hab’ getan! Komm mir zu Hilf’ in dieser Not, daB mich nicht ewig haelt der Tod!” (112) In this execution scene, the Reformation teaching of sola fide is clear. Even the most crooked and corrupt among us can be saved, if we have faith.
It is important to note that not all works of Reformation literature feature such a pious and morally upstanding protagonist as Susanna. In fact, the next piece of Reformation literature this paper will treat is the Faustbuch, is a collection of anecdotes and stories about a godless and greedy individual.
The 1587 compilation of several anecdotes and short stories about D. Johann Faustus is appropriately titled Historia von D. Johann Fausten, and it details the demise of a sorcerer/theologian, whose intelligence and talents go to waste when he squanders his soul in a pact with the devil.
As part of the pact, Faust must renounce his faith in God: “…Zum vierten, dass er den christlichen Glauben woelle verleugnen.” (13). In exchange for renouncing his faith and agreeing to give up his earthly body after a balance of twenty-four years, Dr. Faustus will be granted anything his heart desires, and the devil promises not to keep important knowledge from him. Dr. Faustus’ confidence wavers initially, but he reasons that perhaps the devil isn’t so bad, and “..die Hoell [ist nicht] so heiB, wie man davon sagte” (13). Unfortunately, as one might expect, the devil has deceived Dr. Faustus, and he will meet a terrible, terrible end.
For Lutherans who believed sola fide, Faustus’ renunciation of his faith is his most damaging decision. For if faith alone guarantees salvation, how can Faustus be saved? Thus, from early on in the Faustbuch, it appears that Faustus is eternally damned. Reformers reading the Faustbuch could consider it a cautionary tale, guarding against abuse of reason and greed.
More than once, Faust considers renouncing his agreement with
Satan, and sola fide teaches that he could be redeemed and receive eternal life. However, each time Faustus thinks about retracting his pact with Satan, the devil frightens him so much that Faustus is convinced not to recant:

“[Es] geht ein Sturmwind seinem Haus zu, als wollte alles zu Grund gehen, es sprangen alle Thueren auf aus den Angeln; indem wird sein Haus voller Brunst, als ob es lauter Aschen verbrennen wollte” (20).

The devil often followed such threats with reminders to Faustus about where his loyalties should lie. Then the devil tempts him with something enticing, such as taking the form of a beautiful woman Faustus can seduce. Faustus’ greed and lust make him momentarily forget renouncing the pact, but deep in his heart he knows he is damned, and he despairs: “O weh mir immer wehe…mein uebermuetig Fleisch und Blut hat mich an Leib und Seel in Verdammlichkeit gebracht, mich mit meiner Vernunft und Sinn gereizt…daB ich mich [Satan] mit Leib und Seele ergeben und verkauft habe…O daB ich nie waere geboren worden” (24-25). As desperate as he is in this moment, Faustus cannot summon the courage to defy the devil, go back to church, and ask for forgiveness. Oh, but if he had! His faith alone would have saved him: “[auch wenn] er [Satan] schon den Leib hie haette lassen muessen: so waere dennoch seine Seele erhalten worden” (25). Though he has promised his body to the devil, Dr. Faustus always has the chance to save his soul from eternal damnation, if he would only repent.
Faustus uses his pact with the devil to elicit important knowledge, so that he can write extremely accurate horoscopes and almanacs. His work as a gifted astrologist further solidifies Faustus’ “dangerous” image. Even before he sells his soul to the devil, Faustus is constructed to be a “suspicious” character by 16th century Reformation standards. As a young boy, he has god-fearing parents but he himself behaves irreverently; he is crass, crude, and chases women.
Dr. Faustus’ intelligence and mastery of astrology and theology would have removed him from the artisan sector, making him less like everyday, middleclass citizens. Lastly of course, he is unmarried, defying Luther’s belief that “all men should be married.” Ironically, upon making his pact with Satan, Faustus wishes to be married, something he could have done without ever selling his soul to the devil! Of course, Satan cannot grant this wish, since “…der Ehstand ist ein Werk des Hoechsten” (20), and Faustus has already renounced his faith.
The reader might expect that since Faustus cannot be married, he would use his pact with the devil for adventures of epic proportion, but aside from writing more accurate horoscopes and having mirages of all kinds of women at his disposal, Faustus achieves nothing out of the ordinary. His obvious vast intelligence even before he made the pact supports the sad realization that Faustus squanders the awesome powers for which he wasted his soul.
As the balance of his contract with the devil runs out, Dr. Faustus foolishly takes false comfort in Satan’s promise that he will be given a body and soul to withstand the scalding afterlife that awaits him: “…[der Teufel] wollte dir einen staehlin Leib und Seele geben, und [du] sollst nicht leiden wie andre Verdammte” (146). Of course, like many things the Devil has told Dr. Faustus, this is a lie. His students implore him to beg God for forgiveness, in a last attempt to save his soul, but Faustus is convinced “seine Suenden waeren groesser, denn dass sie ihm moechten verzeihen werden” (150).
At the hour he ought to be praying most fervently, Faust falls silent, convinced he cannot be saved. He meets an extremely gruesome and violent end.
The Faustbuch’s moral is congruent with major Reformation teachings. The lessons Faust’s students and colleagues learn from his hideous death are consistent with Lutheranism: “[sie lernen] … Gott zu fuerchten, Zauberei, Beschwoerung und andere Teufelswerke zu fliehen, so Gott ernstlich verboten hat, und den Teufel nit zu Gast zu laden noch ihm Raum zu geben, wie D. Faustus gethan hat.” (151) Additionally, we must not be as presumptuous as Faustus, and assume we are too far gone to be saved. We should never believe that what we have done is beyond God’s forgiveness.
Although it is not as didactic as Susanna or the Faustbuch, Reformation values are echoed in Sach’s short play, “Der fahrend Schueler.” The tale of an ordinary farmer and his wife, swindled by a clever and greedy student, emphasizes the importance of a good marriage. Luther would have approved of the play’s message that a dutiful wife obeys her husband, who in turn provides for his family. Appropriately, the simple-minded farmers are duped by the crafty student, which would be consistent with Reformation portrayal of artisans and tradesmen as honest, hard workers.
Sach’s short play complements the longer literary works of the Reformation, Susanna and the Faustbuch. All three works depict family ideals and salvation through faith, as well as the importance of forgiveness and repentance. Together, these three works of German literature convey the values and traditions of 16th century Reformation culture and society. Collectively, German literature during the 16th century can be called Reformation literature.

Dec. 19th, 2007

Never fear

Europe is always an option

Dec. 6th, 2007

The first page from my novel

There is a whoosh of air through the vent beneath the bed and into the dining room below. B sits back and wants to know where I was tonight; of course, I was here the whole time. There was nowhere else and there is no one else, but my leg was hurting again. Snatches of dust waft up under the shade of the trumpet lamp and the toilet hisses. I turn and fix my eyes on the glowing red colony at the top of the hill and listen for the train. Sorry.
There is only one room. There are three rooms and you have to go through the pink bathroom to get into the front room or the bedroom. There is a balcony outside and Ball Circle freezes below. Outside is the Beach, outside is Mason Hall, the woods, the walnut tree, Church Street. It is a small house with green shutters and only Colleen and I live on the top floor in apartments. The bathroom is in the hallway. There are Mexicans in the basement and the hospital is behind the house, I wince.
B is already downstairs and outlining another chapter about an imaginary Prussian identity. I am thinking about jobs near the bay and hoping the Parisian designer sleeps tonight. There is static on the television, a screech, and nothing at all. Somewhere outside of the tent I can hear an owl breaking bones in its throat. The collar is turned up on my winter coat and she keeps walking.
At that time, my back was pressed up against a baseboard and I really should have felt more but it was too late. The lie came easily and I hung up. My toes were blood red splotches on the cream carpet and we flew the next day to Georgia. By the end I was feeling nothing at all. It had stopped in November when I froze in the road, or maybe it was long gone before then. This is probably a very insufficient apology. Back then I was lying to you. I pull the flannel sheets around me and suppose I am getting at the truth.

Dec. 1st, 2007

(no subject)

it too was given to me....light green eyes that shed tears for me
i can tell myself this as i lay dying

Nov. 22nd, 2007

(no subject)

happy thanksgiving !!!!

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